95bpm
I don’t want to be overly negative, but the negative thoughts creep in almost every day. The facts are simple: I’m angry, I’m tired, and my resting heart rate has sat around 95 bpm since January 21st, every day between 7am and 4pm. I’ve never felt less healthy in my life. I know at least some of what I need to do to pull myself out of this. I need to exercise, keep up my journal, prep my lunch and clothes the night before, and leave New Zealand. But by the time I get home most days I need a nap, and I have “the mysterious headache.” You know that feeling when you’re not sure if you didn’t drink enough water, didn’t have enough sugar to keep your brain functioning, or if the stress of the day is making your shoulders ride up to your ears? That’s the mysterious headache.
It’s especially frustrating because people who haven’t lived here can’t understand why I want to leave so badly. Some things are getting better, but so slowly that I’ll be dead before I have the comforts I could have somewhere else today. Here it’s just vibes and talk of “personal freedom,” which is a nice way of saying figure it out yourself, we’re busy privatizing everything.
I can already feel myself slipping into the same talking points my brain loops through, so I’ll wrap it up. Tall poppy syndrome is real, and the term “green desert” is accurate. If you’ve ever wanted to live inside the beat poet version of “Stick to the Status Quo” on constant loop, then maybe New Zealand is for you.